I’m feeling a lot of things I’ve never felt before writing this stuff, but the strangest of all new feelings has been this sense that I could be done on this planet before I know it.
Occasionally, I catch myself with a sudden realization that I’m gonna die soon. I’m not sure when ‘soon’ actually is as I feel it, but it’s impending. It’s looming. Now, fuck, none of us are prophets and feelings are just feelings, so it’s probably a product of my weird head, but it’s lingered around lately more than I’d like.
A couple nights ago, right after I had texted you about one of those Delancey parties, I felt a little closer to it, as I locked myself up in my bathroom at 2:15 AM. I had everything running through my head as I lied down, body drenched in sweat. When I sat up I felt a horrible nausea, but I couldn’t get anything out. Picture that, me drenched in sweat, trying to force myself to puke, barely able to stand. Sweat was rolling off my face like I’d just completed a 10k. Yeah, that made me feel like my premonitions were a bit more real than I wanted to believe.
But I survived until the next day, however my body managed, and felt relatively well. I didn’t feel great, but I was alive and the symptoms didn’t feel all that different from a normal hangover.
I couldn’t shake that feeling, though, as I sat and melted into my sofa for the rest of the day. I couldn’t shake the look of worry from my face. Something wasn’t right, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. When I attempted to go to bed at eleven, I experienced that odd affliction of tired eyes and tired body, but alert mind. I tossed and turned, thinking about this and that, trying to smoke myself to bed. It never came. I didn’t sleep much, if at all.
Man, it’s regret. Regret eats you up inside, tears you apart, and leaves you trying to understand how you could go wrong so many times. And I have far too much regret for a twenty-year old.
But all I’m trying to do is change that nowadays. I’m just trying to be better.
If you’d bear with me, I think I’ve almost made it.